Ack

Talking to my parents yesterday, dad asked me if there was any way I could come home for a couple of weeks in April so he can go over to the UK. I have felt faintly nauseous since. I didn't say either way if I would do it or not. I really wouldnt mind SO much if it wasn't such a friggin ordeal to have the Wee Tiny Princess cared for. In addition to imposing on my friends for an inordinate amount of time for cat watching, I also come home to a completely spazzy cat who takes weeks to return to normal. I can't take her with me, since it seems that subjecting her to an airline ride, followed by an extended period in a household with two other cats who would NOT exactly send out the welcoming committee, would probably be more traumatic to her than a couple of weeks of near strangers coming to feed her.

I fucking hate this. If you'll just indulge me for a second I'm gonna have me a good old fashioned petulant rant for just a minute. I love my parents and I don't mind helping out and I know if I don't go my dad wont go to England and I know he's stressed out by my mum who is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with despite best efforts, she's just frustrating and if my brief experiences have driven me to the edge I can only imagine how he feels and I'm sure he needs a break...I just absolutely hate ditching my life for 2 weeks. It's not a fucking vacations for christs sakes, it's 2 weeks of fighting back tears and frustration and trying not to come completely unhinged at my mother. Am I being selfish? You betcha. Will I go anyway? Yeah, probably, although I'm gonna try and talk him down to 10 days. If all this had started happening 5 or 6 years ago, I probably would have just moved back to Massachusetts like a good daughter...Now tho, not so easy. I feel rooted here. I live in an apartment I adore, I live in the coolest neighborhood in chicago, I have a favourite grocery store, I am a ten minute bike ride from a big shiny new Target Store, I have a large enough social network that I run into people I know on the street and on the train on a daily basis, and a close enough inner circle of friends to know I'm loved and people have my back, I have mastered the transit system (not that it was ever complicated but now I need only briefly glance up to know exactly where I am on the  brown line route), I'm starting to actually make professional connections that might actually lead me somewhere down the road....at 37 I am completely unprepared and unwilling to rebuild this from the ground up....but when it comes right down to it, family comes first and if Mum continues down this path I'm gonna have to go back, because I know Dad can't do it all on his own...

fuck fuck fuck.

Perhaps I'm just being overwrought, I've been broke all week which always puts me in a hell of a mood. Thanks to Billy splitting his bar shifts with me I should make it through, but man it sucks. Additionally, I've done fuck all creatively for what feels like ages, show goes soon, I'm still being neurotic and overthinking and hanging entirely too much importance on a fucking photo show in a coffee shop...still tho, that doesn't stop me from getting a belly full of sheer icy terror every time I imagine my work hanging there for all to criticize...with MY name on it....this isn't my admin works, I can't just phone it in and not give a shit if it's right or not.

Basically I've been a bit out of my head for a week....god bless the HIC for A: putting up with my bitchy insanity, and B: knowing exactly what would help....no, no, nothing like that.

So it's not all piss and moan, I'd like to mention that I *am* pretty geeked about the fact that Miss Jen has also signed on and so in 2 weeks I'm gonna be hosting Mrs Sherri AND Miss Jen, which was super fun last year, and I'm sure will be again.

I'm gonna shut up now.

Comments

[Chris]

So don't go.

If you keep going, your parents will never learn to cope. Their age is irrelevant.

You're on the cusp of moving into a better place in your life, don't let their neediness cling to you & drown you.

They seem still capable for themselves.

Don't go.

[Miss Lis]

I've been on the cusp of something better for years now. Never seems to happen...this of course is my fault and nobody elses. There's a lot to this that I feel isn't fodder for the internet that makes a lot of difference in my decision making on this matter. Although there's a lot of unpleasantness associated with the experience, one day, both my parents will be gone, and I can't imagine regretting any time spent with either of them, good or bad.

[Mr. Mike]

Dealing with aging parents is a tough nut to crack. Hopefully, there can be a way that things can balance out so you don't have to shoulder too much of the load and can build on the progress you make here.

As for the show -- I'm one of many who is looking forward to it. I'll put up your best photos with anyone's.

[timbo]

when my dad died i had family members asking if i was going to move back home with my mom to help take care of her. i was terrified and racked with guilt. i couldn't move home. to see myself a 30 something (at the time) living in the basement of my mom's house in dundalk was just too pathetic even for me. i talked to mom (who was obviously nervous being alone - she doesn't even drive) told her how much i love her and i'd do anything i can for her but i couldn't move in. she understood and despite the fact that she may have wanted me to knew i had my own life and it wouldn't be fair to me or my life. that was almost 14 years ago. my mom's still doing great, now going on 83 and still doesn't drive. i talk to her nearly every day and get over there whenever i can, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month.

do what you can. that said, how do you decide to sacrifice your life for someone else? impositions are one thing and honestly should be done when you can (and know your own limits in how you can help), but i don't think you should be expected to abandon your life. that's what you do for your children and your partner. and you do it for your children so they can have a life...

sorry to go on so long. just my thoughts on the matter. ultimately you know what you have to do. no matter what it's going to be painful at times. they know you love them.

much love,
tim

[Miss Lis]

Believe me if I move back to Massachusetts (which is not currently on the table, merely a looming possibility down the road) I will not be shacking up with mum and dad. Most likely I'd live in Worcester, it's a shithole city, but they have a decent car culture scene, music scene, and it's a 20 minute drive to my parents place.