How not to answer a personals ad

“hi im dr mike a scientist/suthor and intl. v.c. banker , and im looking for someone fun and alive and sweet for good ,,,,,no...GREAT times. id like to speak with you so send me a phone and pix ...best wishes... if we meet youll be very - very happy with your choice ...im a teadybear of a man. best to you ...drmike:)”

Ignoring the flagrant disregard for spelling and grammar, let’s break this down, shall we?

“hi im dr mike a scientist/suthor and intl. v.c. banker” = I am a jobless liar

“and im looking for someone fun and alive and sweet for good ,,,,,no...GREAT times” = I am looking for someone naïve and trusting who will put up a good fight when I strap them to the table – it’s more fun for me if they’re feisty! Also, I will eat your liver...mmmm....sweeeet delicious liver.....

“like to speak with you so send me a phone and pix” = make no mistake, I will stalk the hell out of you.

“if we meet youll be very - very happy with your choice” = Mine will be the last voice you will ever hear

“im a teadybear of a man” = essentially a variant of “hey little girl want to come see the puppy in the back of my van?”

If it seems I'm being heartless and ripping on some poor guy's ham fisted attempt to make some kind of human connection, I'd also like to mention that this guy’s email moniker was “bonesaw44” If you can think of anything that says “lets go play doctor in my remote underground bunker where they will never hear your screams” more than that, I’d really like to know.

Amidst a smattering of smutty replies, indecent propositions, and fun responses like the one above, I also got a couple of responses that weren't completely horrifying, and perhaps might result in a cocktail. We shall see. I'm strangely almost slightly disappointed that nobody sent me a picture of their junk.

Comments

[Heather]

what exactly is a suthor? And bonesaw44.. yeah, he's got a pit in his basement. Remember, never go to the 2nd location :P